I had two tickets to the California Beer Festival, but by Friday night I was dateless, so I resorted to my online dating site and received a response back from a guy I’ll call BeerAndFabric. I had exchanged emails with BeerAndFabric via OkCupid but never spoke to him over the phone.After he accepted, I realized I had made a horrible mistake: I had never spoken to this guy on the phone or met him face to face! What if he was really a she? What if he talked non stop about cock enlargements? What if he constantly called girls bitch as a term of endearment? Oh dear. Was I in for another disaster date?
I sucked it up, damned myself, readied myself, and walked my ass to Mission Park. I joined a line half a mile long and waited for my date, rationalizing all the reasons why this guy would be cool: he liked to read, he worked for a popular company and created things with fabric, he liked to talk, and he loved beer.
When he called and I heard his voice, he sounded normal enough, but I got fight or flight syndrome. I was such an ass, eyeballing the rest of the man meat and fantasizing about getting tipsy with these chunks of beef instead of my stranger. I wanted to be that blip on a radar screen that suddenly disappears from this guy’s life.
I wanted to pull a dick move.
My sister asked, “Does he know what you look like?”
I replied, “Yes.”
“Darn.”
Guess dick moves run in the family.
Calm yourself, my babies. I don’t have the balls to do that to someone else.
So he found me. In person he was better looking. Tall, glasses, not trendy–all things I dig.
Inside the festival, he talked a lot, about beer, about himself, but was inquisitive. Good stuff. He wanted to feed me so I wouldn’t get too tipsy–more good stuff. Funny, I invited him but he was my tour guide, and he didn’t go from brewery to brewery as I would have done, instead, he was very specific about which breweries I should try.
Affligem blond, Blue Moon’s Pale moon, Moretti, New Belgium, New Castle, Pyramid, Shock Top, Sierra Nevada, Arrogant Bastard, and Wolf Creek–hand picked by BeerAndFabric.
We had a few, then we rested on the LoveSac’s under the trees at Mission Park. Talking to BeerAndFabric, we shared stories, talked about online dating, and he said, “A lot of people don’t like online dating because they tend to meet a lot of freaks. The crazy part? I like that I meet freaks.”
“Me, too!” I exclaimed, my secret out. ”Bring on the OkCupid freak show! Freaks make life more interesting–I’m a freak! ”
BeerAndFabric and I discussed our common, online dating bond. You’re moving outside of your circle, perhaps outside of your usual hang-out–whether it be some swank, hip club on the third floor of The Waterside Restaurant, or a burlesque, sweaty, leather-clad club in Hollywood–and into a stranger’s world. The stranger’s stranger-ness is all that makes them a freak. It’s a real-life Choose Your Own Adventure.
Sitting on that LoveSac with BeerAndFabric, I realized I had no Love for BeerAndFabric’s Sac. I was engaged and enlightened by his thoughts and views on life and beer, but that’s about where cupid’s arrow deflected and missed my heart. Chemistry.
He was a Hydrogen, and I was an Oxygen, but without the extra Hydrogen atom, we were not H2O–we were HO. I coulda been a HO and banged him senseless, but that’s not how I roll.
Otherwise, the beer was delicious and the BBQ was simply… amazing. The live band played some Dramarama and I gave a mini-tipsy rendition of Anything, Anything as men and women spilled their beers, probably in awe of my awesome off-key voice.
Beer taps started to go empty at about 3:30 pm, and we left the Festival at about 4. He asked if I wanted to go do something afterward, but I was pooped. We parted ways.
I went home, made a few tipsy phone calls, and passed out face down on my bed.
The only thing freakish about this date was the way I looked after I woke up.
Here are a few pictures from the event.
These Pretzels are making me thirsty.
Great idea, pal. Pretzel Necklace at next year’s beer festival? Check!
How Beer is Made
He said, “If you don’t understand this T-shirt, you shouldn’t be here.”
Mari's California Beer Festival glass. Drink #2
I’m going to name my first-born son Porter.
I got these free tickets to the Califonia Beer Festival from VenturaNightout.com. I must plug the site because they are awesome. VenturaNightOut.com announces deals and gives out free tickets on occasion, you just have to LIKE them on facebook. The VenturaNightOut feed does the rest–just keep your eyes open for the specials!
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